Eat. Pray. Respond.

I lost my heart in San Antonio.

Five years ago I moved from San Diego to San Antonio to find myself. I asked God to change my name. I was unhappy with my current circumstances and was nursing a broken heart. I teamed up with Ambassadors For Christ, a 9 ½ month long discipleship training program. My emphasis was their School of Arts & Writing and joined a Writing Guild.

The day I moved there I knew (1) TX is HOT and (2) God wanted to meet me here.

Then God changed my name.

To Peaceful. WTH? I’m not peaceful. I’ve strived my whole life to be here. Get better. Read the Bible. I don’t know how to be…

Five and a half months later I sat my butt down on a plane and never came back to TX. My eczema returned with a vengeance, and I had failed at being a missionary. If this is what serving You means—I don’t understand your ways.

So I wrote and I wrote. And wrote. And wrote some more!

Five years later I’m now walking in the prophetic utterance of one of my fellow AFC classmates. She told me, “I don’t know what this means, but God told me to tell you to write your second book on suffering.”

And so I did.

Eight months after writing “Faithbook of Jesus,” a devotional for 20-somethings I got the chance.

To write and to fail again at serving God.

When my panic attacks returned while I was working and writing full time, I thought “on no, not this again.”

So I fought. Hard.

I went to every doctor, shrink, and popped pills to keep me in the game.

(When God says you’re done. Tap out. Save yourself the misery).

The happy pills didn’t work.

I was incredibly aware that God was changing my heart. But it was up to me. Would I trust or ? Obey or ? It was my choice. Nobody forced me or put a gun to my head.

So I choose life.

Not failure.

I was ashamed and horrified that I may have lost everything.

(Insert new chapter here).

Waiting for God to fulfill His (new & precious) promises feels like eating dirt, and carpet, and watching paint dry.

Wanna serve God? Eat dirt.

Wanna see God? Pray harder.

Wanna grow? Respond.

This week, I found my heart in Dallas.

I gave my testimony at Brick House Friday night, a young adult ministry of Potter’s House in Dallas.

(As my FB friend, Scotty pointed out-“white girl in a black church week”).

It’s the biggest speaking opportunity I’ve had. 634 people sat and starred as I cried, prayed, yelled, jumped up and down and exclaimed God’s glory through the power of testimony. My testimony.

And then there was Tim.

Pastor Tim Ross of Brick House closed off the night on relationships. He said, “God is your friend.” Boom! It hit me. Exactly what I wanted to say, but never got around to sayin it. No matter what sorrow, horror, joy, or gladness you may experience you have a best friend and His name is J-E-S-U-S.

Then the alter call. Dude! I wish my church had an alter so I could die on it-often.

Dallas, I feel like I’ll never be the same again.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you.

Please watch the video below or click play.

August 20 – Brick House, Dallas, TX from Renee Johnson on Vimeo.

The podcast will be up here soon.