[Guest Post by Sarah P] – This is an emotional message, and I don’t like writing out of emotions.
But since reading Friends With Girls, I’ve been eaten up. I didn’t want to spill my guts on your blog–and probably should be writing this to someone who actually knows me.
But I just want to vent.
I’m thirty-two. God started working on me in college, almost thirteen years ago now…
I had pretty much rejected femininity. Saying I was uncomfortable in my skin was an understatement!
Through the process I discovered that I had been sexually abused. With dear friends and mentors I worked through that, and began to let parts of me that I had kept under lock and key–out.
I learned to become a woman unashamed. To accept femininity and actually desire marriage one day.
There have been some really amazing God-times in the midst of this journey. At the start, God said very clearly one night,
“This is Abba speaking. Listen deeper. I’m going to take your shame away.”
It seemed like a no-brainer that my “shame” God was talking about was from my sexual abuse and the results of that. But at that moment in time time, I wasn’t yet aware that I had been abused. What I was aware of however, was that I had a lot of facial hair.
Since fourth grade, I’ve been teased.
When God spoke, “I’m going to take your shame away,” I knew–that I knew–that I knew–He meant my facial hair. It’s one of those things that one can’t explain, one just knows. If I had any doubt about what He meant, I would have let go of that expectation.
But thirteen years later, I’ve experienced a lot of emotional and spiritual healing. I’ve seen my suppressed desires for marriage awakened.
But one thing I can’t explain is that my facial hair has not only not been taken away, it has increased. I would love to believe that I was wrong in understanding what God meant when He spoke. But I can’t.
What does this have to do with anything?
I’m thirty-two. No one has ever asked me out, expressed interest in me. I’ve never held hands, let alone kissed.
I understand (cognitively at least) that marriage isn’t the end all and be all. But why heal wounds, allow and encourage desires–that can’t be met?
I’m so mad.
And so hurt.
It’s gotten harder as time goes on, since nearly all of my friends are married now.
I just want a best friend.
And, as I despair of them ever being met, I’m finding it much harder to re-stuff those desires a second time.
This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this to someone who I don’t know. I couldn’t help but want to get it out and believe someone would read it. I don’t expect you or anyone to have any answers.
I need God to answer.
And He’s either being really quiet or I’m shouting too loud to hear. I know all the pat answers about God’s timing being perfect. But it doesn’t lessen the pain/ache now.
I know that ultimately God will take my shame away–I’ll have no facial hair in Heaven.
Sorry for expressing ingratitude, but it won’t matter then. No one is going to make fun of me in Heaven. There won’t be any little kids, whispering loudly, “Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?” and the Mom keeps looking at me pretending that neither of us heard that, knowing that we both did.
Sarah P loves Jesus, family and friends, chocolate, Tuba, straight-up-blue, deep-forest-green. Mostly in that order. You can connect with her on Twitter or on her Website. It is my desire to allow my blog to be a safe zone to express one’ emotions. Let’s all be thankful for people like Sarah who has the guts to speak up and share her beautiful heart. To me she is beautiful–inside AND out!