A Woman Unashamed

(c) Monique Pearson Photography

[Guest Post by Sarah P] – This is an emotional message, and I don’t like writing out of emotions.

But since reading Friends With Girls, I’ve been eaten up. I didn’t want to spill my guts on your blog–and probably should be writing this to someone who actually knows me.

But I just want to vent.

I’m thirty-two. God started working on me in college, almost thirteen years ago now…

I had pretty much rejected femininity. Saying I was uncomfortable in my skin was an understatement!

Through the process I discovered that I had been sexually abused. With dear friends and mentors I worked through that, and began to let parts of me that I had kept under lock and key–out.

I learned to become a woman unashamed. To accept femininity and actually desire marriage one day.

There have been some really amazing God-times in the midst of this journey. At the start, God said very clearly one night,

“This is Abba speaking. Listen deeper. I’m going to take your shame away.”

It seemed like a no-brainer that my “shame” God was talking about was from my sexual abuse and the results of that. But at that moment in time time, I wasn’t yet aware that I had been abused. What I was aware of however, was that I had a lot of facial hair.

Since fourth grade, I’ve been teased.
A lot.

When God spoke, “I’m going to take your shame away,” I knew–that I knew–that I knew–He meant my facial hair. It’s one of those things that one can’t explain, one just knows.  If I had any doubt about what He meant, I would have let go of that expectation.

But thirteen years later, I’ve experienced a lot of emotional and spiritual healing. I’ve seen my suppressed desires for marriage awakened.

But one thing I can’t explain is that my facial hair has not only not been taken away, it has increased. I would love to believe that I was wrong in understanding what God meant when He spoke. But I can’t.

What does this have to do with anything?

I’m thirty-two. No one has ever asked me out, expressed interest in me. I’ve never held hands, let alone kissed.

I understand (cognitively at least) that marriage isn’t the end all and be all.  But why heal wounds, allow and encourage desires–that can’t be met?

I’m so mad.
And so hurt.

It’s gotten harder as time goes on, since nearly all of my friends are married now.

I just want a best friend.

And, as I despair of them ever being met, I’m finding it much harder to re-stuff those desires a second time.

This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this to someone who I don’t know. I couldn’t help but want to get it out and believe someone would read it. I don’t expect you or anyone to have any answers.

I need God to answer.  

And He’s either being really quiet or I’m shouting too loud to hear. I know all the pat answers about God’s timing being perfect. But it doesn’t lessen the pain/ache now.

I know that ultimately God will take my shame away–I’ll have no facial hair in Heaven.

Sorry for expressing ingratitude, but it won’t matter then. No one is going to make fun of me in Heaven. There won’t be any little kids, whispering loudly, “Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?” and the Mom keeps looking at me pretending that neither of us heard that, knowing that we both did.

Sarah P loves Jesus, family and friends, chocolate, Tuba, straight-up-blue, deep-forest-green. Mostly in that order. You can connect with her on Twitter or on her Website. It is my desire to allow my blog to be a safe zone to express one’ emotions. Let’s all be thankful for people like Sarah who has the guts to speak up and share her beautiful heart. To me she is beautiful–inside AND out!

 

  • Andrea

    Sarah… Thank you so much for your honesty! :) I know the feeling of unanswered questions too… Honestly I don`t know what to say right now. Because I`m pretty sure you already know everything you need to know.
    So I send some big hugs and prayers your way.
    Be blessed
     

  • http://www.batmelek.com/ Sarah P

     Thank you, Andrea!  I love hugs and appreciate your prayers! 
    I think wrestling things out with God is an important part of our faith journey.  The key is not letting go of God, no matter my frustrations or emotions.  And it’s good knowing He’s not going to let go of me, either. 

  • devotionaldiva

     I’m just so blessed that you two were blessed by each other. May others continue to step forward and share their stories!!!

  • http://rawfaithrealworld.wordpress.com/ RawFaith

    Sarah, you are not alone. I know several women with similar stories. It’s hard because the church doesn’t really deal well with issues like gender identity or what it really means to be a woman. I try to be as open as possible with my younger friends about my own journey and the life and hope I’ve found. It makes me sad that even with all the progress that has been made, it also doesn’t help that if anything I feel like we’ve lost ground as far as making our churches where women are free to really be who God created them to be, with all the individuality involved. I would love to communicate more with you about the whole thing. I really appreciate your willingness to share your story. I’ll make sure I share the link with some of my other freinds who could sooooooo relate.  If you’re on facebook you can look for the same avitar on renee’s friend list…  Linda B.

  • http://actuallykatie.com/ Katie McAleece

    This was an emotional read, but it pulled me along and my heart really feels for you. I can, in many ways, relate to what you’re feeling. I respect your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable to a bunch of strangers- that takes guts.

    I’ll be praying for you, after reading this. You sound like an incredible lady! I hope God brings about some encouragement and joy for you in big ways today. (:

  • http://twitter.com/BatMelek Sarah P

     Thank you, Linda!  That is a good assessment.  We have come far and still have far to go.  Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge was the first book about femininity that I felt included me–that they’re writing made space for me.  Any other book I’d read on the subject I usually wanted to hurl across the room before I finished the introduction!  I’d love to connect further–I’ll look you up later this evening.

  • http://twitter.com/BatMelek Sarah P

     Thank you very much, Katie!  I have indeed been very encouraged as a direct result of Renee’s crazy idea of guest posting.  ;o)

  • Jesmortiz

    Captivating is a wonderful book. I have re-read it countless times. But anyway, just wanted to commend you for you honesty and bravery. I can only write such candid things in the privacy of my journal. We have similar stories. I too have been teaser all throughout grade school for being overweight and having some crazy hairstyles that at that age were out of my control (thanks Mom). And I was a victim of date rape in my early 20s. First date I had actually had and that was the result. Needless to say I fell down a dark whole and turned so far from Jesus that to this day I am in awe of His, or any man’s, ability to love me. Just felt compelled to remind you how not alone you are. You have a blinding beauty. One that is so bright it can be seen through a few simple paragraphs. Praying for peace as you wait on the Lord. Love, Jess.

  • devotionaldiva

     I’ve read Captivating. It was pretty good, however there are a few new books coming out for women that I can also recommend: She’s Got Issues by Nicole Unice and Stress Point by Sarah Martin :)

    I am SO sorry to hear about your first date experience. That is a tragedy. May God redeem your story and restore your mind, body, and soul.

    Isn’t Sarah a blinding beauty inside and out? I couldn’t have put it better myself!

  • http://twitter.com/BatMelek Sarah P

     Thank you, Jesmortiz, for sharing and for your encouragement.  Those are very kind words.  Jesus’ love is quite amazing–He relentlessly and tenderly pursues us, and fights for our healing–body, soul, and spirit.  He’ll never give up on us. 

  • AJ

    I’m thirty-two. No one has ever asked me out, expressed interest in me. I’ve never held hands, let alone kissed…

    I’m in the same boat as you…. lets hope we get to our destination one day…sigh :)
    Some days I want to pull my hair out, others crawl into bed and hide…
    Holding on to hope and surviving as best I can!

  • http://twitter.com/BatMelek Sarah P

    AJ, thanks for sharing. It is good to know that we are not alone. And as well as we know frustration and trial in the waiting, I know that we WILL reach our destination! One verse that has spoke to my heart over the years is Psalm 138:8a “The Lord will fulfill his plans for me.” I find great comfort in, not only the fact that He will fulfill His plans for me, but that if He’s going to fulfill plans, He must first HAVE plans. God has a plan for your life AJ, and for my life, and He will fulfill it. Let’s look together for what He has for us today, while we wrestle with Him through our emotions. He is good, and He is faithful.

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