Friends With Boys

Is love all we think about?

[Guest post by Clara Bastidas] – Sometimes I wish love wouldn’t have such a huge hold in our lives as women.

Love is an important part of our lives whether we want it or not. I wish it was the topic of politics, or gardening.

But I know God created us this way, and if He did, He must have meant it for good.

I’ll try to get to the point of my post. Even though I know any advice on this earth will provide me with the peace that only my faith in Christ will bring, I could use some insights from others who have gone through some of the things I’ve been through and seen His promises become true.

It’s not that God has not shown me His faithfulness in many ways. But in this particular area of my life, I’m still waiting to see what He’s been up to.

Almost a year ago, the man I thought I was going to marry broke up with me. I’ve been through some rough tests in my life, I hadn’t felt a pain like the one I experienced this last year. The peculiarities of my story are not relevant now; I can only praise God because He used this situation to completely–and forever–change me.

I was a mediocre Christian.

I thought the love God demanded from me could be shared, I thought His rules could be flexible, I thought His grace wasn’t enough.

Recently, after being a Christian for almost 10 years, I had a real encounter with the God who comforts you when nothing or no one else can. Its been a painful, beautiful, long way. I know I wanna live for Him. And I know I wanna do things HIS way, not mine.

I finally feel I’m ready to move on. To accept and trust what God has directly told me He has planned for my life, which included not being with this guy.

It’s been hard because I’ve had to seen him at church activities every week since the breakup, and see how he moved on so fast. And I believe this has somehow made me think I will never fall in love again.

I know it’s silly. 
I know, that’s not how faith works.

Inside I still feel like that 13 year old who never got picked as a dancing partner. God has been restoring a lot of things in me, and I know His works are greater than what I see in this earthly perspective. But my lack of faith in the fact that He will provide a (the right) husband for me makes me feel so confused. Because I think about it. But I don’t feel it’s gonna happen.

C’mon, I’m 26. I’ve seen how life is and how it changes.
C’mon, I’m a lawyer, I have a master’s degree!

I guess I expected something amazing to happen in my love life after all the pain I’ve been through. I want to feel like I have faith so I can keep living and enjoying what God decides to put on my plate now. I know my feelings are not what they should be. I know they are not based on Truth or Who God is. But here they are:

I’m afraid to I’ll be friends with boys and end up alone.
I’m afraid God takes way to much time in bringing someone for me.
I’m afraid that the man God chooses for me will be ‘what I needed and not what I wanted’.
I’m afraid being ‘too educated, too intellectual and too independent’ might weigh on a man choosing me.

I know God is probably laughing at me right now, because He deeply loves me and because His plans and thoughts are higher than mine.

I know the purpose of my life is not just getting married to someone.

I know there’s so much more. I’m the kind of girl who knows how to be on her own–very, very well. And I have learned Christ is with me, also.

I want to share everything I have, and dream, and love, with the man I believe exists for me.
I want to share my life with the person I have prayed for. But I just don’t see how is that gonna happen.

Clara Bastidas lives in a country where 80% of the population are non-practising Catholics. She fears the fact it’s so hard to find a guy who genuinely loves Jesus. She works for a humanitarian agency, and her my dream is to keep helping the needy across the world. And she doesn’t want to keep doing that without a partner.

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  • http://twitter.com/RachelleRea Rachelle Rea

    Raw. Real. Unflinching…Thank you for this, Clara

  • http://www.mustardseedyear.com/ Jason Wert

    Awesome post.  Thank you for being so transparent.

    Also, “too educated, too intellectual and too independent” is impossible.  I’d call a highly educated, highly intellectual woman who can take care of herself simply “a catch.” :)

  • devotionaldiva

    First of all…love does…and will always have this hold over women. We can thank EVE for this. No, seriously. I’m just so glad someone finally had the courage to ask the question, “can girls really be in ministry without a guy?” Well, it’s not that they can’t, but do we really? If we’re honest with ourselves. Some scream “HECK NO” and others … well, I’m not talking to them and neither are you. I can’t wait to see how others respond to this and just know my new friend Clara you are NOT alone. You are loved no matter your relationship status. HUGS. XOXO

  • Jo

    Wow Clara you just described my past year. I can’t believe I clicked on this link on Facebook and read what you shared.  It is sort of comforting to know that there are other Christian women out there who have experienced the, I guess, confusion, that comes with relationships, and the disappointment and heartache when our plans fail.  I’m so sorry that you have had to experience this, but I love what you said about finding a God who comforts you when nothing and no one else can.  I pray he holds you.  I know God is ALWAYS faithful to fulfill his promises and like you said, his ways and thoughts are higher than our own.  I know he has MEN waiting for us, and they will treasure us, and we will be growing into the faithful women they need. I can’t wait to hear how God deeply satisfies the desires of your heart.  

  • http://rebeccannb.wordpress.com/ Becky

    Wow! I definitely understand your pain, questions and fears. I still wrestle with the questions and fears daily. I too want to walk in ministry with my husband and yet that seems so far off. Thank you for sharing this. 

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Thanks for reading, Rachelle! 

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Thanks fot the empathy and the encouragement Jo. I’m also looking forward to seeing how God glorifies Himself through our struggles. He is faithful in all. 

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Thank you so much Renee…for your kind words and for posting this! Many, many blessings to you!  At the end, He’s all we need. *relieved*

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    :) Thanks! Honesty is not really easy, but I think it’s worth it. 

  • Andrea

    I hear you… . I`ll soon be 25 and I was never asked out for a date or just a drink. Its always the same. The guys look at me and then at my superpretty,superskinny girlfriends and they move forward with them without even give me a little chance to get to know me. Just because I don`t have a perfect outside doesn`t mean I`m less worthy. God loves me. When he made me, he said it was good. Point.
    It just hurts so much that I am (once again) the one that is left out, the one that seems isn`t good/worthy enough. I love that my friends are happy in a relationship/engaged/married but there are many lonely moments around that.
    Men say all the time that the outside is not the most important thing. That we women should be very self confident and that stuff. But that`s not easy… Right now I have to force myself to pray for the relationships of my friends when all I want to cry… I love my friends but sometimes I don`t understand why God gives them their perfect prince charming, they get married with 19 or 20 and they don`t want to have a family for like 7 years while others like me would love to be a mother.

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Dear Andrea, thanks for sharing. I know it can be easy to feel your identity or worth has something to do with being ‘picked out’ by a man. And I know it can be frustrating to see how everyone around you seems to have perfect (trust me, relationships are never perfect) relationships. But please don’t think God ignores your pain. He knows it, and He deeply cares for it.  I know enjoying a romantic relationship can be mistaken as true happiness, but it is not. It is just one part out of many other parts of your path. So, 1) Be confident that you are beautiful, worthy and very, very loved. 2) Think about this: You only need ONE guy for you, the person God has in mind for you. If marriage is part of God´s will for your life, that guy will come at the right time. So don´t worry about how the guys normally behave about other girls. I’ve been in relationships with guys who were not the right ones… and trust me, it hurts when it ends. So, even though it sounds like a cliché, it is better to wait for the right one. And he will truly see you, the way God does :)

  • devotionaldiva

    Andrea, would you like to write the next guest post? I think you hit a nerve that most single girls feel. “It’s all my fault for being single because I’m ….” Actually, it’s not and I’d really love to explore this topic further on my blog. What do you say???

  • http://www.facebook.com/fitrealmama Holli McCormick

    Hi Clara – thanks for sharing your heart and your thoughts with the world.  That is so not easy to do…and I hear the great internal struggle in your words of knowing marriage is not the only thing – not the greatest thing this side of heaven…but still wishing for that life partner for yourself.  I wrote a series on my blog about being single – but I’m now coming at it from being married with two kids.  I don’t have any idea if it will help – but I pray you are able to glean something from it.  I know for me – as I mention in the post knowing it would be – sometimes it is a daily internal struggle I have as well.  I guess my thought it keep giving it to the Lord every time it comes up and every time it feels all consuming.  But my biggest lesson from my experience is I wish I would have taken time to really get to know myself, to know who I was and what issues/problems I had from my past that I needed to own before embarking on  what I hoped would be a life-long commitment.  So, I guess I would say…take this time as an amazing child of God and continue to discover yourself.  Continue to read as much as you can about growing into adulthood emotionally…continue to ask God to reveal to you areas where are deceiving yourself…and continue to fill your life with what you are passionate about.  I know this all sounds cliche – even to me and I HATE to sound cliche.  But I HATE more than this to give false promises for the God I now believe in…well He isn’t a formulated, safe God that always gives us what we want…as even you said :-).  I am praying for you and for all the lovely sisters out there – married or not – to continue to use their awesome God given gifts to bring the Kingdom near.   http://www.practicejoy.info – check out the first post in series “Is Singleness the Plague?”

  • Ze

    thanks for sharing. I think 2 things strike spot on for myself from your sharing. One being the man I thought I was going to marry broke up with me – still hurts despite almost 6 mths, and finding hard to move on and love again. Secondly very much the fears that haunt me off and on of being alone. Above all I am reminded God is God and I need to lean on Him more.
    Thank you for the sharing

  • MissStellie

    Oh thank you, Jesus. I thought I was somehow abnormal for thinking exactly what you wrote.”I’m afraid that the man God chooses for me will be ‘what I needed and not what I wanted’.” Thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing your story. 

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    :) I think we all feel that way at some point. But then when our trust in Him grows, we realize that what He will gives us what we NEED, because what we need is what will actually fulfill the true desires of our heart. 

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Totally get you. I think we should not try to establish ‘deadlines’ to be ready to move on. If God leads your process, we should trusting with the timing. It’s better to completely heal than to jump into another relationship carrying unecessary burdens from the past. 

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Thanks so much for the encouragement, Holli. Definitely not an easy thing to do- sharing your deepest fears and questions, and weakest moments of doubt, with everyone. But it did help me and I can see God uses it to help others as well. Yes, it is a daily decision to trust Him. 
    I will read your blog! I’m pretty sure your experience and walk with God will be inspiring. :)

  • http://actuallykatie.com/ Katie McAleece

    Yesterday in church, the message was on prayer- and our pastor (I’ll nutshell it for you) basically said the minute you ask God for something (within his will) he responds to it, but sometimes he delays in giving you what you’ve asked for.

    So, what I’m saying is, you will be married because God knows it’s a desire of your heart and he wants to see you happy- you’ll just have to wait for his perfect timing. He has someone better than the best guy you could ever imagine. Some things just take time.

    But he’s already answered your prayers. He knows your needs and wants. (:

    Thanks for sharing such an honest story, from your heart.

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Thanks for these sweet words, Katie!!! And thanks for the reminder that He KNOWS. I will keep my eyes fixed on Him, knowing that He cares about my desires and needs.

    Many, many blessings!! :)

  • http://emmillerwrites.wordpress.com/ Em

    Amen and amen to this: “I know the purpose of my life is not just getting married to someone.”

    You’re absolutely right, even if it doesn’t feel right right now. The Truth and Who God Is are what they are, whether they are what we want them to be or not.

    Three things:

    “I’m afraid that the man God chooses for me will be ‘what I needed and not what I wanted’.” He will, and that’s a good thing. He created us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Take it from me, The Girl Who Never Thought Much About Getting Married and then did. ;)

    “I’m afraid being ‘too educated, too intellectual and too independent’ might weigh on a man choosing me.” It will, and that’s a good thing. It means you will marry a man who values your education, intellect and independence.

    “I’m afraid to end up alone.” You won’t. You’re never alone: “Be content with what you have, because God has said, ’Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Also, statistically, most Americans get married at some point in their life: Just one out of five adults (22 percent) never has been married. And if God has given you that desire to be married, odds are you aren’t going to be one of them. ;)

  • http://twitter.com/ClaraBastidas Clara A. Bastidas

    Em, THANK YOU for being so sweet and taking the time to offer comfort! :) Your encouragement helped me feel relieved. I am not American, but I still hope I fall among that 78% left :) Haha, I know I will. Once again, thanks!!!

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