Pre Engagement Question #2 – Can you talk about sex?
In the words of Tyrese, “Now that I’ve fallen…what am I gonna do?”
I wrote in Not Another Dating Book, “We dare to dream of the day when that guy or girl is going to walk into the room and change our lives forever. But what happens when he or she does? What if those feelings of unworthiness…don’t go away?”
This time last year, Marc and I were getting pretty serious. I knew the long exciting road that was ahead of me. We would probably get engaged and soon. There would be ring shopping dates. Talks of buying a house. We’d sit and talk about our future life together.
But…We hadn’t had the sex talk yet.
What about birth control? For how long? How many children? When?
I always thought of marriage as the culmination of my dream to have sex with one man for the rest of my life. Call me crazy, but I waited for this. I longed for it. I kept myself pure.
Here was this amazing guy kissing me.
Tiny butterflies escaped through my pours every time I was around him. And when I wasn’t, I was thinking of him. Whenever he touched me. Kissed me. Held me.
I knew I couldn’t wait much longer.
My biggest fear suddenly wasn’t about finding a guy to love me anymore. I had the guy, now what?
I cannot tell you how grateful I was to have spent all those years as a saangle (really, really single) girl working on my insecurities-because if there was a time when I dealt with them the most–it was before we got engaged.
Because of my history of health problems, I started my search to finding the right birth control for me before we got engaged. I knew it would take a while, and unfortunately that process was a nightmare. Some pills made me feel like I was going insane. Others made my blood sugar spike. I felt drugged. Tired. Not even interested in sex (which is only good when you’re not married).
I was scared I would even be able to take it at all.
I was afraid we’d have children right away.
Sex is something most Christians do not discuss–and that is why I am talking about it as freely as I can.
I know I had many questions.
I needed someone I could trust.
Thankfully, God brought a new friend into my life who had just gotten married about a year before me. She was so patient and walked me through the entire process. She never made me feel embarrassed or ashamed for badgering her with many questions. Even on my honeymoon she was gracious and walked me through some of my questions and fears.
It’s amazing how the enemy made me feel so worthless that I had saved sex for marriage!
No matter how scared or excited I felt about our future–I knew I needed to trust God with all aspects of our relationship–including sex. When I say I made it to my wedding night it wasn’t because I didn’t care or love my future husband–it was because of a commitment I made a long time ago to honor God with my body and marriage.
I’d love to say that everything was perfect the first night of our honeymoon. Wrong. Somebody gave us both the flu, and I had a sinus infection to top it all off. (Planning a wedding is stressful). Was it best sex ever on the first try? Not even close.
Whoever said sex was easy and “Hollywood” lied to me.
Eventually the sex got better. Much, much better.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
I know my story is just one way of looking at sex.
Every story is different. Maybe your feelings of unworthiness go much deeper than just “sex.” No matter what your beliefs and feelings about sex are–it’s important to address them with your significant other before getting engaged. Don’t assume. Ask questions! Seek the council of someone you trust if you’re not sure how to have the sex talk. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.
If you have any questions about sex please contact me, renee [at] devotionaldiva [dot] com. If I can’t answer your question, I can at least put you in touch with someone or resources that can help!
SUGGESTED PRE ENGAGEMENT QUETSIONS:
*Do you find it hard to say what you really feel about sex?
*Do you know your expectations for sex in marriage?
*Do you know your significant other’s expectations when it comes to sex in marriage?
*What forms (if any) of birth control will be used? For how long? By whom?
*Do you have someone you trust that you can ask questions before/after marriage?
*What things will most taint your sex life? Do you struggle with pornography? Have you? Does/Has your partner?
*What things do you believe sex is intended to teach us in marriage?
*What distracts you from cleaving to your mate?
*Is “kinky” (inappropriate or impure) sex in marriage permissible? Why or why not?
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