I Am A Dreamer
[Guest Post by Ronel Sidney. I can’t even remember how we officially met, but I remember when she offered to let me come and speak at Praise and Coffee in San Diego, CA. We became great friends because of our drive to further God’s kingdom, love for others, and writing. I love that she is a dreamer, and knew she’d be the perfect fit for this month’s theme.]
I am a dreamer!
I dream about having more babies. I dream about writing a book. I dream about my husband and me leading a Bible study together. I dream about moving up within my company. I dream about buying a house. I dream about leaving a lasting impact on woman’s lives.
I am a dreamer but there are times when I have to surrender my dreams and realize the magnitude of the reality of my journey.
I am blessed to have one child and this may be all God has for our family. I may never finish the books I have started. My husband may never feel fully confident to lead or even attend a Bible study with me. We may never be able to buy a home.
My life may never make a difference.
With dreaming comes all the negativity locked away in my head.
The process of cleaning out this mess may take my whole life, but God knows and I can trust in His timing and plan, right? Or maybe He does not see fit to bring my dreams to fruition because I do not deserve it.
I lived with my husband before marriage and got pregnant before we vowed to love each other for the rest of our lives. I was a binge drinker while I was in my early twenties and despite hearing God calling me to ministry I continued on my own path of destruction.
Why would this God bless my dreams?
I think we all have dreams and passions locked away deep inside of our insecurities.
I had all but given up on dreaming when Father began knocking on the door of my heart. He picked me up and dusted me off and gave me a new dream.
My dream is to wake every morning with love and gratitude.
I dream of spending my life serving my husband and loving my son well. I dream of leaving my fingerprint on their lives. I dream of having less meltdowns and less explosions. I dream of loving them enough that they never have to questions how I felt about them. I dream of living a life filled with conversations over coffee with new and old girlfriends.
I dream of writing about my journey and acknowledging that my journey is an ongoing process with no final conclusion.
My dreams have evolved and changed since I was a little girl. There was a time when the line between my dreams and reality began to blur and become unrecognizable. I spent so much time dreaming about what my life was going to be like as an adult that my dreams became lies in my reality.
I wanted so bad to have the perfect marriage and family that the thought of sharing my pain and struggles seemed outrageous. I wanted so badly to have an unblemished record that the thought of sharing our journey through bankruptcy and car reposition scared me to death.
I just wanted to dream and imagine the struggles away but God took those broken things and used them not only to mold me but to shine through the brokenness.
When we share our dreams we are also sharing our vulnerabilities and shame.
The thought of coming out and telling others I am broken physically and can not get pregnant is down right scary. The thought of sharing how I struggle to be a mom who does not yell makes me feel unworthy. The thought of sharing that my marriage is not perfect, and that we are both sinners struggling with our own issues makes me feel like a failure.
We should not be afraid to share our stories, dreams, and realities because in all things we are made stronger and new in Christ.
Ruth, Rahab and Esther were not perfect–and yet God used them!
So, we can freely pull back the curtains on our lives without fear of unworthiness.
Dreams are a gift from God! Dreams are what help us push through the pain of life. Dreams are our way of figuring out what comes next in our lives. Keep dreaming and NEVER forget how much God loves you no matter what you are struggling with on the surface or internally.
Ronel is a working wife and mom. Praise and Coffee National Director; Connecting woman, Encouraging growth and Inspiring change! You can find her at www.chosenformore.com , writing about her journey.