The Fear of Vulnerability

I believe that God is always at work in our lives and in our hearts, bettering us. I always think about this scripture from John 15. Here is The Message interpretation:

“I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn’t bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken.

“Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can’t bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can’t bear fruit unless you are joined with me.

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.

Right now, I think God is trying to show me how to be appropriately vulnerable. I just realized that for a long time, I have really guarded myself and my heart. I guess it never occurred to me before how guarded I was because I thought I was being so open with sharing my story here on Devotional Diva.

The truth is, I wasn’t sharing a lot of things on Devotional Diva (and in my real life) that I wanted to out of fear. The fear of being vulnerable, that is.

When I really open up, the last thing I want is negative feedback or, as I wrote about in my Support vs. Competition post, someone to make me feel less. (Not that I get harrangued all the time or anything.) If I’m honest, I also hate when I seem weak; I try to put up a strong front. So, I don’t want to take the risk of actually feeling weak.

People can really suck sometimes (sorry for the plain language). The tongue (or keyboard) can really hurt, even when people mean well.

I have decided I am really going to try to open my heart and be more vulnerable. Because when I am more vulnerable in a story here on DD, I usually notice more of a response. When I’m able to open myself up more, I’m able to help more women.

I think there’s definitely an appropriate level of vulnerability, but I think I’ve guarded myself too much for a while. I need to work on finding a good, comfortable balance. Maybe I also need to stop caring so much about what people think. Vulnerability is not bad!

You know when God’s just trying to show you something? That’s what I feel is happening with me now. I’ll keep you Divas updated.