Friends With Girls

Do good girls finish last?

[Guest post by Andrea Marbach] – I know the feeling of being friends with girls and being left out in a conversation. The feeling of being less important and ignored.

Being single is all I know.
I have never been on a real date.
Never been asked out for drinks.
Never been kissed.

I’m almost 25 years old. Growing up in a Christian household did not protect me from some really bad, life changing things that happened to me when I was a child. For many years, I struggled with self-confidence.

At the age of 22, I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I saw for the first time.

I’ve dreamed about getting married and having a family for several years now. Looking back, I’m so glad God didn’t send a man my way because having a boyfriend would have meant I wouldn’t of had to deal with my lack of self-confidence on my own.

In my dreams, my boyfriend would make me feel whole and loved and everything would be great.

But as adults, we all know that’s not true. I came this far without having a boyfriend. Now I can say I am loved and wonderfully made by an awesome God! I don’t need a man to prove that. I know who I am, what I am, and whose I am. And I believe that you should know this before you have a boyfriend.

It was God’s protection to not let me find my man (yet). But we all grow older. Some of us are getting married. My best friends are almost all married or in a serious relationship with wonderful men.

The one thing they all have in common: they are in our worlds view super pretty and super skinny. I’m not.

I’m pretty but I’m not that type of woman the world is telling me I should be. I’m comfortable with myself and I know that God loves me just as I am–and it doesn’t bother me that I will never be super skinny. I do believe that God made us different. He certainly didn’t give us all the same body type or looks.

Through God’s love and grace I learned to love myself just the way I am. I don’t need to be super skinny to be happy. 

What I didn’t realize is most men don’t think like that. Some do. I just haven’t really met many–most of them are married to my friends. I had some conversations with nice guys. Then I had to see them talking to the skinnier girls next to me.

They suddenly were way more interested in the other girls.
They just paid me less attention.
This is not just my impression as there are more girls like me!

During the last weeks, I’ve read a lot of really good and godly thoughts, posted by men on Facebook or Twitter about how being friends with a girl should be.

I’ve heard so many men talking about how the “outside” is not the most important thing on a girl. How attractive a strong faith and a confidant woman are.

But the way a lot of these men act shows me a different side.

I know that I only need one man, and I have no desire to have meaningless relationships that don’t lead to marriage. Otherwise, I would have found a way to get my first kiss or more a long time ago. And I don’t need to be the girl everyone wants to be with either. But where or how does a relationship start? 

Some of us are blessed with a special talent that makes people take a second look.
Some are especially beautiful.
Some of us have hidden talents.
Some of us are not.

I am not one of those with a “perfect” outside, nor do I have any special or exciting talents.

I know God has a special plan with my life and for a reason I don’t always understand He made me the way I am. My friends love me, appreciate my heart, and the way I care about others. You don’t see all these things by looking at my “outside.” This is my problem.

I think that men think I’m not interesting enough. I sometimes feel like I’m not worthy enough that a man would pay attention to me. But I’m a GOOD girl!

For once, I’d like to be considered as the girl God has prepared for him. As far as I know, most relationships start with a drink or a date as friends. And it’s not that I wouldn’t go out or don’t meet guys. I take part at as much event from young people from our church as possible.

My wish would be that men would realize girls don’t have to be all super skinny and super pretty to make a great wife and mother.

I’m also not trying to say if you are skinny and pretty, you don’t have problems. I know these girls have the same struggles too. But I would like to have the same chances as they get. (And this is something my skinnier friends agree with me). I thank God I’m strong in my determination to wait for the right man. And even in my deepest struggles I know that God deeply cares about me and has a plan for my future husband.

I learned a lot from friends that rushed into a relationship that wasn’t the right one and hurried up things because they were tired of waiting. I’m just tired of being the one that is left out.

I don’t understand why God gives my friends their Prince Charming while nothing happens in my life. Other get married at 19 and don’t have plans for kids for like 8 years, while I could have a family soon. I finished my education, worked for several years and I could provide for a family.

I believe many men (we’ll call them boys) don’t make a visible decision about how to go about pursuing women. I wish it was more about God and less of the world in their thoughts because it would certainly make the whole thing a lot better and easier for us girls.

Andrea Marbach lives in Switzerland and is a “good” girl. I believe her feelings, frustrations, and heartache is so similar. That’s why I asked her to share her story because I believe it resonates with all girls in the world–not just the USA. As she wrote, “more of God and less of the world.”

[Main Photo courtesy of (c) Monique Pearson Photography, Author photo courtesy of (c) Clara Marie Photography]

18 comments on “Friends With Girls”

  1. While we’re on the subject of wishes… I wish that bigger girls didn’t make such a fuss out of skinny girls. I wish they’d realize we don’t like the constant exclamations of, “You’re so skinny!” and the assumption that we’re “more attractive” because of it. Take it from the skinny girl who has never been dated: It doesn’t work that way.

    Maybe beauty has nothing to do with it. In fact, I don’t think the reason guys do and do not pursue a girl is so much her looks (unless they’re really, really shallow – in which case you don’t want him pursuing you anyway) as much as it’s about how a girl presents herself.

    I may be skinny and pretty by a lot of people’s standards, but I think I come off as untouchable – dating-wise, that is. And I don’t blame the guys. I spent years developing that reputation.

    So maybe instead of focusing on making ourselves beautiful, we need to focus on making ourselves approachable.

    1. devotionaldiva says:

       Rebekah, that’s pretty powerful stuff. I was roommates once with a girl who told me the way I talked about “skinny” girls really offended her. It’s hard because sometimes it’s a result of weight and sometimes it’s not. I appreciate you speaking up!

    2. Andrea says:

      Hi Rebekah
      Thanks for your comment! 🙂 I don`t blame skinny girls. As I wrote, I know that they have struggles too and I`m aware there are some that are in the same situation as me. A lot of my friends are skinnier than I am and it`s not a big deal for me.
      But I was asked to write this post out from what my reality is, and where I live, there is definitely a difference between who is getting asked out and who not. It makes me sad but it IS real for me.
      Btw when I was in America for the first time, I realized that American men (at least the ones I met) are doing much better than Swiss men…

      I love your thought:
      “So maybe instead of focusing on making ourselves beautiful, we need to focus on making ourselves approachable. ”
      That`s so true! I know that I need to work on that… Sometimes it`s easier and sometimes harder. Especially when there is a situation like I described it in my post.

      The most important thing is that we grow closer to God and become more and more the women God wants us to be. =)

  2. Amy Young says:

    Andrea, I work with a lot of young women in their 20’s and early 30’s who wrestle with similar themes as the ones you’ve expressed. You might already have one, but one thing I’d recommend is to find a mentor — someone a little further down life’s paths that you are — to be another piece in your healing and growing. You are in life for the long haul, hopefully with a man, but there is no guarantee :). But, you do have some control over the type of community you surround yourself with. It sounds like you know most of this :), but I wanted to pop in and say it. Thanks so much for your post! Amy (messymiddle.com)

    1. Andrea says:

      Thanks for your comment Amy! I don`t have a mentor but I had two wonderful women that worked with me through my heartache… 🙂  And I`m blessed with some amazing friends and a great church. Right now I don`t feel the need for a mentor, but it`s just one call away, we have many older women in our church that would love to be a mentor for a young woman.
      You are right with choosing a good community, such an important thing! But even a good community is not free from people making mistakes or wrong decisions (includes me)…
      So thankful for my God that loves me with an everlasting, perfect love.

  3. Thanks for writing this, Andrea.  All I can say to you comes from my own experience. I never dated anyone until I was 21, and I was so relieved when it finally happened because [I thought] it proved me there was nothing [too] wrong with me. The thing is, my thirst for being accepted and loved lead me to the wrong kind of relationships that broke my heart. So, I promise, when you have a relationship with a guy, it won’t make any difference to who you are, and how you feel. Do not make the same mistakes I did, making a relationship an idol because I FINALLY had it. Please don’t.  I would exchange the shallow happiness I experienced with my boyfriends for the wholeness God had to restore in me after these relationships. Now I know I don’t want to experience another committed relationship if it´s not with the man I’m gonna marry.
    Sometimes we make such a big deal of our self-perception that it becomes a reality. A lot of my friends are the opposite to skinny and beautiful and are happily engaged/married. My best friend is a lot ´bigger´than me and she was always ´the girl with a boyfriend´, while I was always the single one. I understand your frustration and I pray it can lead you to get closer and closer to our Mighty God.At the end, it’s only about finding the RIGHT guy for you, not just a relationship to convince you that you are worth loving by a man. Of course you are. But finding the right guy, could take time (or maybe not? 🙂 ) So just trust HIM. We’re all in the same boat, girl. We struggle with different kinds of insecurities that our Father is eager to heal.

    you’re never left out when it comes to the God you have. And one day, you won´t be left out in romantic love, because He knows what you need. 🙂

    1. devotionaldiva says:

       Clara – you have a great point about “idols.” Can’t wait to talk about this in relation to significant others 🙂

  4. Anne Lenoir says:

    I 100% identify with this entire post…except I tried to rush God’s timing for my life. After I turned 25, I was abashed by the fact that no one had been attracted enough to me to kiss me. I clearly had waited long beyond the typical age for a first kiss, so why was I so compelled to make it happen? Well, I figured the opportunity would never arise again. I took advantage of the situation, and honestly, it was one of the WORST mistakes I’ve ever made. All that to say, continue to know your worth. Don’t feel like you’re missing anything in the World, because you’re absolutely not. Thank you for writing this!

    1. devotionaldiva says:

      Thanks for sharing. I agree with you in that I’ve rushed the situation a few times and WOW. That was the WORST. I second that to Andrea. You’re not missing anything 🙂

  5. I am really loving these personal stories from women that so many of us can relate to. This is beautifully written, honest, and it speaks the words I can completely relate to. Thanks for sharing this, for being vulnerable to all of us. It is much appreciated and very much needed!

    1. devotionaldiva says:

       Katie, would you like to share your story? Email me (renee) at (devotionaldiva) dot (com).

  6. mzsinglecollegegirl says:

    amen this article hit the nail on the wall for me. Because i’m in college and i am 22 years old and i feel so different and ignored because my prince charming hasn’t came way. And my other some of them have boyfriends. I feel so left out. I have always been the girl that a lot of man didn’t find attractive so i would always think something was wrong with me. I have always been the good girl. Who stood out from the crowd. But i feel that a lot of man only want what they see in the media or a kim kardashian or beyonce and nobody looks like them. God didn’t make everybody to look drop dead gorgeous. I think a lot of woman need to find that inner woman within themselves. And stop carrying or always worrying about what a man is going to think of them. When you try to please a man and you don’t feel good about yourself from the inside You are doing yourself more harm than anything. If a man can’t love you for who you are. And if he isn’t godly and think lust and having sex is the right way. Then that’s not the man that god intends you to be with. You can’t change everybody. Let go and let god take over and trust in him. 

  7. Renee: I’m really enjoying this series of posts!

    Andrea:  I always felt like that growing up, “do they really need to talk only to her? aren’t we all socializing together?” I’m tall with curves. I used to get frustrated with God while I watched friends fall in love (and knew he was The One), get engaged, get married and create a family.  Now, I’m relieved to be 27 and have observed, because I learned that I wasn’t ready earlier in life.  God has a perfect plan for each of us (even if it’s romantic) and it’s better than anything we wish we had <– something I'm learning more each day!  Thank you for sharing 

    1. devotionaldiva says:

       You’re welcome. I have to agree with you. I am tall with curves too and although I wanted to pretend it was about my “outside” it never was. God was working all things together for my good and my husband’s.

  8. Dani says:

    This is me all the way. Hang in there.

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