My Christian Boyfriend is Gay

My Christian boyfriend is gay

[Guest Post by Brenda Rodgers – I appreciate her honesty on a topic that is super sensitive. I know she’s not the only one who’s broken up with someone only to find out that their ex turned gay. I hope you are encouraged by her honesty.]

I found out a year after the four year facade.

Overlooking over the railing on the second floor of the mall, right outside of J. Crew, I heard the words on the other end of my cell phone. A friend was telling me my ex-boyfriend was gay.

Even though that was the not-so-secret-secret in my mind, a stabbing piercing went through my chest.

I called him.

We hadn’t talked for a year, but I called him anyway.

I said I knew. He laughed the nervous laugh. I asked him why he used me like he did. He rattled off some stuff with twisting words that only the enemy would use. There was no “I’m sorry.”

I was calm.

I was collected.

I was very matter-of-fact.

And I spoke truth.

“You know Jesus”, I said. “You know truth. I encourage you to get some counseling”.

Then I prayed for him. Honest, tear-stained, mourning prayers. At the end of the day he was a soul. A soul in turmoil.

During those days following the revelation, thoughts flooded through me in a way that I couldn’t even decipher reality from fantasy.

See, me and this boy? We met in the second grade. We grew up together. He was my best friend. We went to church together.

Every.

Single.

Sunday.

When we were dating.

There were red flags. There were even rumors. And, believe it or not, we talked about them. My heart broke for the boy whose father abandoned him. Whose life was lived behind murmurs and gossip. So I chose love instead. I chose to believe him. I chose to not be another one to abandon him.

When a girl learns that her Christian boyfriend is gay, you can imagine the effects it leaves on her psyche.

The enemy wasn’t done. He wanted me to stay in bondage, tormented in my head over the questions. He wanted to use the questions to paralyze my future relationships. He wanted to destroy me.

Instead, I chose, and continue to choose, truth. You see, even today these feelings rear their ugly little head, poking around the corners of my mind. I have to slay them.

Sometimes daily.

Still.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

What’s wrong with me?

Embarrassed.

That sums up what I felt.

I came to a place of admitting that yes, I am a broken woman who exhibited some dangerous codependent behaviors. Behaviors that could have easily changed my life forever. Behaviors with deep roots that extend far into my past.

But God.

But God built my identity on something firmer than mere choices I make in life. His grace was holding me, protecting me in so many ways, and His grace reminds me that my identity does not correlate to my brokenness.

Why did he use me?

I was used. I do not know if it was intentional or not. I want to think it wasn’t intentional, but I was used so that my ex-boyfriend could “figure it out”. There is no doubt about it. I was wronged.

But just as I am broken woman in need of a Savior, so is my ex-boyfriend. He is broken, too. He is in need of a Savior. Jesus forgave. So I must forgive.

There’s nothing more to say.

It’s not easy. And it hasn’t been a one-stop “I forgive you” and then move on. But today I can completely say I have forgiven him. Not because I don’t wish life had been different, but because I feel empathy. I know what brokenness is like.

Why didn’t I just trust God?

For me, being in this relationship was a sin. Why? Because the Holy Spirit continually pricked my soul and told me something wasn’t right.

But I was scared. I was broken. I wanted affirmation. I wanted attention. And so I ignored His voice. I made the security of a person an idol instead of allowing God to be my only security.

If I hadn’t heard His voice, of course it would not have been a sin. But I did, and I blatantly ignored Him.

I have repented and asked God to forgive me for not trusting Him.

How could they let this happen to me?

My first response was to find someone to blame. My friends. My parents. How could they watch this happen? And yes, in some ways they did watch it happen by not being direct with me and their concerns.

However, there is no one to blame. We all could have handled the relationship differently. And the bottom line is that I am the one who knew I was outside of God’s will. I have to take responsibility for my actions.

Brenda

Brenda is a wife, new mom, and self-proclaimed “recovering single”. Her passion is mentoring young women to live abundant lives surrendered to Jesus. She wrote the eBook Fall for Him: 25 Challenges from a Recovering Single, and she blogs at www.BrendaHRodgers.com.

[Photo: fer tapia, Creative Commons]

11 comments on “My Christian Boyfriend is Gay”

  1. Dawn Wilson says:

    This is powerful and honest. Thank you, Brenda, for sharing your story. Thank you for reminding all of us – no matter the issue – to listen to the Spirit of God and obey His promptings.

    1. Thank you, Dawn! Yes, it was a hard but useful lesson!

  2. Erica {let why lead} says:

    Oh that would be so hard. I enjoyed reading your perspective, Brenda.

    1. Erica, thank you! It’s so good to “see” you here! 🙂

  3. alana says:

    the fact that he chose to be gay means he is not a christian Christ and the devil can’t dwell in the same heart and being gay means you have a spirit of hmosexualty on you

  4. Ryan says:

    How can you turn one persons decision in life to be about yourself? Do you know how much he would of gone through to come to that decision to be ‘gay’.With worrying how he would be treated by his church, family, friends and the back lash of other peoples opinions… people get murdered and beaten for being gay. Including the countless times he would of tried to ‘pray the gay away’ and failed. Constantly living with that weighing over his head in hiding his feelings.. luckily he didn’t commit suicide.
    Im sure you are a lovely person but you’re the one who needs to be forgiven in this situation not him. God created us to be kind and comforting… not to judge and be selfish.
    Im sure he was going through a hard enough time and did not need you condemning him. God healed the sick and helped the poor. He even helped a prostitute, but didn’t do this with selfish filled words of hate as this blog post is. Pray on this because i can definitely see the log that is in your eye.

    1. While I doubt you’ll see this reply, I must ask if you even read the article you just commented on.

      God did create us to be kind and comforting, which is why Devotional Diva posted this article over 8 months ago (before I was even the editor). Brenda was not judgmental nor selfish in writing this, unlike your combative comment.

      Hateful? I see none of that in this article.

      I see a woman spilling her guts out about something that would deeply hurt most women, I would venture to say.

      Did you see the last line? “I have to take responsibility for my actions.”

      The next time you feel the need to attack a woman in pain and tell HER to pray about the log in HER eye, don’t do it on Devotional Diva.

      1. Ryan says:

        Of course i read the article. The thing that makes me annoyed is how it says it took four years of he life, ‘how could this happen to me’ and ‘what is wrong with me’. Four years of her life! he has lived his life time asking himself those questions! and will continue to till the day he dies. Thats why i find it so selfish. She should feel happy he chose to share his life with her… and I’m sure it was not a waste of time. Im not here to attack i was simply stating my opinion. It says above ‘join the discussion’… if different comments and opinions (negative or positive) are not wanted.. don’t have the option. if we all didn’t see things differently and interpret them differently the world would be a boring place.. its literally what a blog is for to share stories, experiences, opinions and learn from one another.

        In all honesty, i was searching the internet on different articles on being christian and gay and this blog came up. I myself am struggling to be a christian and having these feelings and to have someone say these types of things – in which they have no idea of what it is like to be a hidden gay man that attends church and struggles with his identity in christ and the thoughts in his head is disheartening.. and thats an understatement. What is written on this blog is obviously read by various people around the world and effects everyone differently… words are powerful and can hurt.
        And i was definitely not attacking a woman in pain.. lets not pull that line out – did you even read my reply? it was the complete opposite.
        My reply was not to hurt or attack but to point out that what was posted hurts to read from the view of a struggling gay christian, woman or man. I was researching for answers and guidance from other christians about the conflicts of being gay and christian and all i could interpret was a woman writing about how his choice to be gay seemed to be “the end of her life”, wasted her time and more. This made me feel like i am worthless and unwanted by others. I took from it that the confusing feelings and sleepless nights i have had from a child as i felt different from other boys and ashamed didn’t matter.. as my choice to be gay could ruin others peoples lives.
        I truly hope you can see this from my point of view, i really do.
        Im sorry for offending you and your blog. Im sorry for wasting your time. i am truly sorry that you feel hurt by my words and opinion. I hope you can forgive me as i have forgiven you. God bless.

  5. Mleekp says:

    No man will ever understand what this does to a woman or a man. It is something that cuts down to a person’s core. The person was living a lie and using the other person as a cover. I can’t imagine how painful it is for the person who is struggling with these thoughts, but that person intentionally knows that they are using the other person. It is selfish to do that why the person is trying to figure things out. You don’t do that to anyone. No one deserves that kind of pain.

  6. Rebecca says:

    As someone who recently found out her ex boyfriend is gay and about to get married to a man I can definitely relate to Brenda’s story. I don’t think she is being judgemental, just honest about how hurt she was. It’s easy to interpret this as her being selfish but her feelings are completely understandable. Don’t forget, while he may have not really felt anything for her, attraction wise anyway, she did for him. To find out those feelings were not reciprocated is awful.

    I hadn’t seen my ex for many years but I still remember the hurt when he ended it with me after 2 years. I carried that hurt for some time and finally managed to get over him. Once i found out he was gay, my first thought was that our relationship had been a lie. If that’s selfish then so be it, i’m selfish. Of course these feelings aren’t just exclusive to this type of scenario. There are all kinds of people in heterosexual relationships right now who are truly heterosexual but do not want to be with each other. If a straight man is abandoned by his straight wife who leaves him for another man. Is he selfish to question his relationship with her and feel the natural feelings of grief ,anger, confusion and dare I say it embarrassment? Should he be told that he needs to be less selfish and think about how hard it must have been for his wife to live a lie with him and then get the courage to leave him? I have no doubt that the Wife would have indeed probably been going through her own struggles but I would never dream of judging the man for feeling the way he did.

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