[Guest Post by Lindsay Morgan – My friend Sarah Martin introduced me to Lindsay. She is a very sweet girl who shares her fear of men, and how the Lord helped her overcome it! If any of you have ever been afraid of marriage–you should definitely read this one!]
Having healthy relationships with men is the last thing I am qualified to write on.
That is when the Holy Spirit can say what He really wants.
If you knew my history of dating and relationships, you would realize like I did –that our Heavenly Father really does have a sense of humor.
I am 36 and single, and I’ve never been married. I’ve had almost zero healthy relationships with men in my life.
I’m sure you’re not surprised.
I’m also sure I’m not the only one.
I didn’t grow up close to Jesus. I’m not saying that I wasn’t taught about Jesus or a church go’er of sorts, but I didn’t really understand Jesus until about 5 years ago. It was 5 years ago on Easter Sunday that my entire life started to flip upside down in the most amazing way! My head was spinning as everything that I thought was well, wrong.
I had a gripping fear of marriage for about 25 years of my life.
Back when other young girls were dreaming of their weddings, I was not. Instead, I was believing ugly, ugly lies about myself, men and marriage.
I dated a lot of guys–well, not a lot but probably more than the average girl. I wasn’t a follower of Jesus until recently, so my dating relationships were not all that honoring of God.
After a broken relationship with a nice, Jewish guy about 7 years ago, which actually led me to ask the question, What is the difference between Christianity and Judaism anyway? I was heart broken. I laid in bed after receiving the phone call–you know the one about wanting to be friends. I was crying SO hard I could barely breathe.
At this point I thought of God as this distant, uncaring Person in the sky who was dealing with big, important things like world wars and starving people.
I had no idea that He would care about little me.
In this moment, I was sad, and Satan was using this opportunity to beat me over the head with what felt like a crow bar, saying,
“This is all your fault; you are all alone now. No one cares about you, Lindsay; you might as well call it quits.”
The lies got louder and louder; my breath got shorter and shorter. My tears were flooding my pillow. I was at the end of my rope, the end of myself, and I just cried out to God. I don’t even know what I said. I was so alone, and then clear as day, I heard Him say,
“I am right here Lindsay. I have always been here.”
I have no idea how I knew it was God, but I just knew more than I knew anything else ever in my life.
Seven years later I am free from my fear of marriage.
My sweet Heavenly Father taught me of His love for me. Then Jesus started to teach me of His love for me. I was overwhelmed by their real, tangible adoration for me.
I started to reject the lies I had believed about myself, men and marriage.
I know right here should be the part where I tell you that I am engaged, or I am dating a fantastic, God-honoring man.
But, that isn’t true–just yet!
I will tell you of the hope and trust I have in my first love, the Lord Jesus Christ.
I will also tell you that I cherish these days of still being single as I don’t look for my affirmation in men anymore! I do my best to stay in the moment, to enjoy the blessings on this very day–the blessing of doing what I want when I want, the blessing of eating crackers and M&M’s for dinner (as I did just tonight) and the blessing of taking a nap on a random Saturday even if my house is a complete disaster.
Instead of fear, I know with much confidence that there is a man God has and is preparing for me.
I know he will be “immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20), and my heart rejoices saying, “It is worth the wait!”
Lindsay Morgan is a native of Ohio who moved south 7 years ago where she met Jesus head on at age 31. Ever since then, she has been fascinated by His tangible presence and real love. Her writings usually include the grace, the struggle and the expectant heart of a moment by moment surrender to the God who created the Universe! Find more at www.PuttingthePencilDown.com.
[Photo: TSM Photography, Flickr]