My Self-imposed Shame

Hi, it’s me. 

I have a few things on my mind that I’d like to chat about today. If you follow me on social media at all, I have been, or have been trying, to be more open about all of the health issues going on in my life at the moment. Keeping all of my problems in my life hidden (even from friends and family) is just a habit that I have started somewhere along the line. I’m starting to realize that is super unhealthy for me. Like, I can be private and sensible, but totally hiding everything is starting to make me feel like my problems are something to be ashamed of. They definitely aren’t. And it’s not a very good example to set for my kids. 

So, here I am, trying to release my shame. 

I had to go to the ER again. I’ve been getting so violently ill, which I hate to describe it as such, but it really is what it is. Anyway, I had to go to the ER again, mostly for medicine to stop my pain and vomiting and a couple big bags of fluids. I’ve been doing testing with a gastroenterologist (and also continuing with physical therapy). 

Last week my doctor ordered more testing because I am severely anemic and I also have high markers of inflammation in my colon. So, he thinks we’re dealing with something new. Probably not related to my internal surgery scarring.

That’s a relief, but also scary. I am just happy that I have a caring doctor that sees there is obviously something wrong with me. I know so many of us with chronic illness can be brushed off by doctors and get rounds of normal tests. And that’s all pretty disappointing when there’s nothing that can really be done or point to what’s wrong with you.

The scary part now is that there definitely is something else wrong with me, and I just wonder how bad it could be. I’m already living a less than stellar life, I guess I would say. I’m limited in what I can do even though I try to find things that will make me feel better. 

But right now, I’m having trouble even leaving the house without getting an increase of nausea in the car and throwing up.

So I’m doing more testing, and my GI doc thinks that I might have a parasite. He called me himself to tell me this, which was weird. I kinda hope I do just have a parasite that is super treatable and I’ll feel a whole lot better in a couple weeks. I don’t know. Is a parasite something to wish for? 

So, there are really two feelings here – fear that something serious is happening, and relief that I haven’t just reached a dead end with getting medical help. 

It feels so good to write and get these feelings out here. And from what I’ve shared on social media, I received so much support and prayers, especially from our Devotional Diva founder Renee!

Lately, my prayers are ongoing short affirmations in my daily monologue. 

Please Jesus

Help me

Lord, be with me.

Lord, be with me.

Lord, be with me.

I’m not always looking for that deeper meaning in my prayer life – right now, I just need to see Him and feel Him.

I do. And I’m grateful.