[Guest Post by Julie] You don’t need a boyfriend (relationship) to make you happy. Or do you?
I never thought I’d still be single at 29 years old.
I remember at 17 having my life mapped out–when I’d have a boyfriend, get engaged, married, have children, and inevitably live happily ever after.
Needless to say, life hasn’t gone as planned.
25 came and went and here I am four years later navigating through ‘what might have been’ with more fear and uncertainty than I’d care to admit.
I’m single with no boyfriend in sight.
It’s even harder being single when a majority of the people around me are married. It seems like every day Facebook statuses change from “Single” to “Engaged”
Sometimes I wonder if I’m meant to become one with a man or if I’m meant to be one alone.
At 23 I thought I had found him–the one–until the one I thought he was turned out to be gay.
At 25, I thought I had found my other ‘one’ until he turned out to be a liar and abuser.
Recently, I thought I had definitely found him, the real one until after two years he decided he wanted nothing to do with me and has since cut me out of his life completely.
Honestly, I thought God’s hand was in the last one. It felt right and all the pieces seemed to fit. I watched God work through me, change me, and shape me into the woman I am now. Only now, the woman I am is more lost and confused than ever before.
“Guard your heart.”
“God has that special someone for you. Be patient.”
“You don’t need a man to be happy. All you need is God.”
As a single, that’s advice I receive daily and admittedly, advice I have given too.
Honestly, those words make me cringe and sometimes they hurt worse than my singleness.
I don’t want to guard my heart. I want my heart to be exposed and open.
I want to know what it means to experience happiness and joy with another person with God at the center. I want to know what it means to intimately submit my life to someone else and know that God designed me to do life with that man. Yet, the feeling I will end up alone looms as I face the reality of who I am and who I’m not.
I wonder if God is punishing me.
Maybe I have sinned too much in my life and He is protecting my future boyfriend from my brokenness.
Maybe I’m too broken for a man and maybe I’m not ready for a relationship.
I find myself asking more questions about marriage and sex. Questions I never thought I’d ask to prepare for me for a life I may not have, considering my dating life is non existent.
God knows my heart.
He knows my fears.
The reality I face each day as I struggle through my singlene
ss–I wish I wasn’t so afraid.
While being single has its perks and I embrace it, there is still a deep longing to be loved by someone else. I know God loves me. I know He has my best interests at heart. I know He’s preparing me for something I can’t see, and maybe that’s the point of my struggle as a single.
Living by faith not by sight because God knows best.
And so, I wait.
Julie is a late 20 year old who is navigating through life trying to find her way. She is passionate about love, grace, and being there for others. She believes in the power of transparent community and meeting others where they are in their journey. She writes at http://www.incitefaith.com.