I have a rats nest in my hair.
I remember one time my hair got so tangled, all because I would just add dry shampoo and quickly run a brush through my hair – not really brushing it out. Then just put it up in a messy bun. This was during my husband’s first time away from me with the military and I was super depressed. I started neglecting my self-care.
I started neglecting myself (and my hair) again, and that’s why I have this rats nest. Do my kids look a mess? Does my house? No. But I do, and more importantly, I feel like a mess inside.
I take care of everything and leave no energy for myself. And this is when I realized things had to change.
To be honest I have been depressed for awhile. I really tried to just push through and spend more time with Jesus – but that’s not always a cure for depression. No matter what anyone says, you can’t necessarily just pray anxiety and depression away. They’re medical problems. I am going to treat my depression as it is.
I need to change my whole life to get myself back on track.
1. Brush hair
2. See my doctor
3. Buy new journal and USE IT
4. Ask family and friends to visit San Diego
5. Hire part-time nanny
6. Announce that Devotional Diva guest stories are closed until Christmas
I’m sorry Divas. I have to do this. I feel so guilty and uncomfortable taking a step back this year, and saying no to things. It is honestly one of the hardest things to do – let myself be helped.
I feel like I have so much privilege to even be able to see a doctor for depression, get medication and counseling, hire a nanny, have family visit, let alone step back from my ministry. I recognize this privilege and am grateful.
I want to be well again so that I am a better me for my family, for my kids. I want to be the awesome mom I know I can be. And I know that the way I was going, I was just going to end up burned out, unable to take care of them.
I have a wonderful life, truly. The one thing I would change is more time with my husband – after 6 years of sea duty, it seems like I’m at the end of my rope. But it’s not even about that.
Depression can happen to anyone and everyone deserves treatment, and to be able to do the things they need to for wellness. So I don’t feel like I need a reason to be depressed — what matters is that it’s happening to me and I need to find away out (and that goes for anyone! Depression doesn’t discriminate).
This was a rough post to write. I didn’t want to admit that I am depressed in what should be my “picture-perfect” life. I don’t want to admit I need help. But, I am and I do. And maybe you are struggling too.
The first part of “The Lord is My Shepherd” prayer popped up in the Bible App recently for me, and really meant a lot.
God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right directionPsalm 23: 1-3
God is letting me catch my breath and sending me in the right direction – to help and healing.