Deal Breakers

What are your deal breakers in dating?


Do you just hate it when a guy blasts the music too loud when you’re in his car? Or when a girl can’t seem to tear herself away from texting on her cell phone long enough to say hello? Maybe you’d never date someone who smokes, doesn’t laugh at your jokes, or has a lot of baggage from a previous relationship. It’s no question: Everyone has deal breakers in a relationship–beliefs we’re not willing to compromise. But what does the Bible say our deal breakers should be? [Not Another Dating Book, Harvest House, (C) 2012, page 34]

That is just an excerpt from my second book, “Not Another Dating Book.” I decided NOT to finish the list because I want to hear from you!

I’m also giving you a chance to win two free copies of my book.

Here is a picture of me holding “Faithbook of Jesus” for the first time back in 2010, and “Not Another Dating Book” in 2012. In honor of my second book I am going to do a BIG BOOK GIVEAWAY.

I’m giving away 20 copies of books to ten different people. 

To win a copy for you and your friend, please tell me your top two deal breakers when it comes to relationships and dating. I will draw the winners at random on Friday, January 20th.

To officially win, you must comment on THIS BLOG post!


  • dj iverson

    #1 She talks bad about EVERYONE. I’m going to assume that if you talk bad about everyone else to me, then you are talking bad about me to everyone else. Done and done.

    #2 She doesn’t at least attempt to unlock your door after you’ve opened hers. Opening doors is a must, and gets a lot of attention, but the counterpart to that is looking to see if she returns the favor. Even if she doesn’t get there in time, you can still see if there’s an effort being made while walking around the car.

  • Teryn

    1.) a respectful and passionate man with God, his AND my family, friends and career.

    2.) a man who helps and thinks of others before himself, who is not self-absorbed/self-centered.

    Does this man exist? I have no idea… God and time will tell for me!

  • Shantal Clark

    Here are the two that I’ve encountered the most:

    1. Doesn’t know God or want to know Him and their even stepping foot in church depends on whether we’re together or not -_-

    2. They’re not completely out of their last relationship (whether they were just dating and (even worse) their supposedly separated from the wife they’re supposedly about to divorce -_-)

  • Kelly

    Must have a REAL relationship with Christ
    must be able to fully accept that I can’t have children (they say they can, but I know it IS a big deal!)
    Oh and if you’re not into football it could be an issue =) ( I dated a guy who wasn’t believe it or not)

  • Thelma

    My top two deal breakers are:
    #1–I do not like being lied to. I prefer honesty, even if it hurts.
    #2–I will not date a smoker. It is an unhealthy, disgusting habit that not only affects their well being, but mine by being in their presence. (I once asked a date not to smoke in the car while I was with him and he only cracked the window to let the smoke out. It was December and freezing!!)

  • Terre Alise

    1). God must be the head of his life. I want to know that as I submit to him he is submitting to God. I want to know that he has an active and fruitful relationship with God. If he is committed to God he’ll know what it means to be committed to me.
    2). Must be curious—by this I mean he must want the most out of life. I love to travel and don’t think I’d like to be with someone who has no desire to learn more about other cultures, life, foods, etc. Doesn’t mean we have to go to Antarctica(would be nice) but staying in DC and not going outside of its bounds doesn’t sound like an abundant life to me.

    Can’t wait to buy your book. If I am able I’ll give the copies to friends that need it! We’re all waiting for our husbands and looking forward to that promise being manifested! You’ve been such a blessing in the short time I’ve come to know and read your devotionals. Thank you for your transparency and obedience. I know being this honest is not always easy but it’s truly a blessing.
    In Christ,

  • Anne Gooch

    Deal breakers for me:

    Not being a Christian

    When someone that says they are a Christian and they put down others (they think they are better then others).

  • Dana

    I think my main two deal breakers are:

    1.) no relationship with Christ/doesn’t want to go to church
    and be part of a church family

    2.)Someone who doesn’t want to be around family/friends or
    just doesn’t have a heart for people in general.

  • Lisa

    My top 2 deal breakers are:

    1. Doesn’t know Jesus. No desire to know Jesus, No interest in Jesus.

    2. Tobacco use- yuck!

  • Brittany

    top 2 deal breakers are:

    1) doesn’t have a relationship with Jesus
    2) laziness (doesn’t work/want to work, mooches off ppl)

    It’s interesting reading everyone’s lists! Great question!

  • Julie (@InciteFaith)

    I don’t know if these are necessarily “deal breakers” because I, firmly believe that no one is perfect and you can’t judge someone if you don’t know them or get to know them on a deeper level. I think “deal breakers” are only scratching the surface of a person’s character. However, two things come to mind when it comes to relationships and what I am willing to invest.

    #1. They have to challenge me. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. I have to learn something from him. Some part of me has to grow and mature because of his place in my life. Our conversations are conversions that draw me closer to Christ. I have to feel connected to you on more than a shallow “You’re hott, let’s date” level. I want to know his heart. And that’s the challenge; Being open enough to expose himself and his heart willingly.

    #2. Complete exposure. I want to know everything about him, who he is. Where he’s been, and where he’s going. The “where he’s been” part is the most important to me. I want to know it all. Without fear or adversity, I want to know that he is comfortable exposing it all to me. Without the masks, walls, and sugar coated truth, I want to know him in his entirety. Even if there are things about him that I may not like, I want to be challenged to accept them. Because if I can accept them , their past, their imperfections, we will make it to each other’s future. That’s the part that matters most to me.

  • Melany Vasquez

    Man, just thinking of this made me cry lol

    the main deal breaker is a man who “appears to be super holy” but isn’t for one bit. I have had my fair share of ungodly relationships that have just exhausted my spirit and got me really down. When I say ungodly relationships I don’t mean with Non-christian men, they were all Christian. The Christian men I dated changed my view of Christian men entirely. I found that the holier they appear, the less they are. That is not true for all Christian men I know but those who I have met and dated. My mom now says that when a guy comes to ask to date me she is going to ask for a reference from their pastor which I find hilarious but I am down with that lol

    the second deal breaker is that he’s not in ministry in church. I have seen that the people that are in ministry have their mind occupied with Godly things and worry about pleasing God and serving Him. I have also seen that these people are the ones who have more trials and some of them either ask God for the strength and endure trials or completely quit ministry and the church. The trials and tribulations make Godly men stronger & this is so admirable, this makes me see that they are more suited to be the head of the household instead of not wearing the pants and just falling into sin when everything is hard.

    I pray for my husband whoever he may be, this season of singleness seems like eternity lol but I know that God is perfecting him as He is perfecting me & I knowww He’ll give me one of His Godly, strong, sons 🙂 & this just makes my season of singleness so much more worth it knowing that He’s got what’s best for me 🙂

  • Jason

    I was going to include being a Christian but to me that goes without saying…so I’ll list two others. 🙂

    1. She lies. I’ve been lied too way too much in my life and I know the way it destroys trust.

    2. She’s unkind toward children. If she treats children with contempt, it tells me there’s something within her that will show contempt to more than kids.

  • Becca

    Above all anyone that I would desire a relationship would have to have a relationship with Christ. I couldn’t imagine spending my life with (or even dating)someone who did not share what I love the most.

    Secondly, I am passionate about missions and know that God has called me to share his love and salvation with the Nations. Due to this calling I feel that I can only bring someone into my life that shares this passion and who I can serve God better in this capacity with them by my side.

  • Karl

    Well, when I was dating, my top two deal breakers were “doesn’t love God” and “doesn’t love people.” Conversely, “loves God” and “loves people” were pretty much my only requirements. Well, I guess “doesn’t love me” would have been a deal breaker. Haha.

  • conflict diamond

    He’s controlling. we’re submitting ourselves one to another — remember?!

    He’s Lukewarm

    He has no passport and a myopic world view and no heart for the nations that have yet to know Jesus as they could

  • Christie Myers

    1) spiritual incompatibility
    2) emotional unavailability

    Many of us name these as our deal beakers and then find that most of the men we’ve dated have not been spiritual and emotional leaders. It is crucial that, as women who want love and security, we don’t use men as safety nets or to fill any holes in our hearts.

  • Courtneeeeeeey Paige

    #1 He’s a drinker/smoker – I know that God deals w us individually however those ate two things that I see as vices that either cover deeper issues or lead to more addictions. I also associate alcohol w physical abuse and the smell of smoke it terrible to my contacts!
    #2 Not dedicated to a church/ has no church home- I’m looking for a lifelong ministry through marriage! I’m so fun I can date myself so if commitment is an issue Id rather not!

  • Shauna Salerno

    1) Someone who doesn’t love God and live with love for others.
    2) Someone who doesnt administer grace & forgiveness.

  • Kathryn

    At age 32 I can say with confidence that my two deal breakers are:
    #1 Someone who does not wish to have children.
    #2 Someone who does not have a relationship with Jesus and isn’t interested in starting one.

  • Sarah P

    1.) Smoker
    2.) Bad hygiene

    These are my top two deal breakers because I’m not going to be able to get close enough to figure out how solid his relationship is with Jesus!

  • Chelsea

    Just wanted to let you know that I happened across “Faithbook of Jesus” at Barnes and Noble in 2010. It (and, well, God) got me through a tough time in my life. Thank you 🙂

    Deal breakers: (1) emotionally unavailable (2) does not go to church.

  • Logan

    1) Doesn’t love like Jesus. Call yourself Christian, Protestant, Catholic….if you don’t love like Jesus it just won’t work.

    2) Love adventure. Life is an amazing adventure. If you want to live on the couch, you can’t live in my world!

  • Michelle

    Deal breaker #1 – He’s got to be passionate about his faith, and unafraid to share it with others.

    Deal breaker #2 – He has to have a heart for children. It doesn’t have to be his profession, but he can’t cringe at the thought/mention/sight of children being around.

  • renee

    Wow, thanks everyone for commenting. I just loved reading through the list. Good choices. I can clearly see a theme here too, if someone doesn’t have a REAL relationship with God–then what’s the point, right? Marc and I were discussing this and he mentioned to me that we’ve gotten worse at discerning what a real Christian is. Makes me think …. humm…

    I will be picking the 10 winners at random a little later today.

  • Jermaine Jay Lane

    I’m so sory, as I come to the party all late and everything. I missed the book giveaway, but I still want to add to the conversation. Before I was married (2 years this May. Can I get a what what!), my deal breakers were:

    1. Does not have a relationship with Christ. Been there, done that, the t-shirt didn’t fit and the food was undercooked.

    2. Allaboutmeitis: It is a debilitating condition that almost always results in disaster. Symptoms include: narcissism, overcompensation of self-esteem, disrespecting my 93 year old Great-Grandmother, in her own spankin’ house at that (now there’s a story…), demanding of all attention all the time without question or pause, etc.

    2 1/2. This isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but if she doesn’t like Motown or at least is willing to listen to the music of Motown…it is a definitely a red flag.