My Doubtful Voice
[Editor’s note: This post was originally published on Devotional Diva on Feb 02, 2016. Due to a glitch, I’m simply republishing it!]
But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.
December 21st, 2015
That doubtful voice inside my head is becoming ever stronger. What if this goes terribly? What if it’s too much? What if my husband is gone more than we expect? What if I am really homesick? What if I don’t make friends and I’m really lonely? Can I even handle this? Do I go through with it?
I remember a time not so long ago when I had these same questions running through my head. Another time when I sat up at night worrying about a big change. In fact, it was also December and January four years ago.
Four years ago, I was newly married and about to say goodbye my new husband, Brandon, for (what I thought would be) 2 months. He was about to go to Navy basic training, where communication to the outside world is extremely limited. I couldn’t imagine not seeing (and barely speaking to) him for that long. I didn’t know how I could possibly handle it.
Of course, I chose to put myself in that situation months before when I accepted his marriage proposal.
And even though I knew for a very long time that Brandon would leave in January, I became more anxious as the date drew closer. Panicked and desperate is a better description.
I begged Brandon not to go; to just forget the Navy and not enlist. At the same time, I was also asking him to throw away his dream and our newly-formed family’s future. He tried to illustrate how good the military life could be for us, but all I could think about was the impending separations (since I knew he would eventually be deployed as well).
Fear was eating me alive in the days before he left, just like it is in the days before we now move to Italy.
Our new life is so unknown to me that it essentially feels like my current life is ending and I’m a beginning a new one. We really don’t know what to expect when it comes to many aspects of our new command. I still don’t know a lot of Italian, and that worries me. I’ve never even been outside the country before. We don’t know what kind of a home we’ll have in Italy, or when any of our belongings will arrive. The scariest thing for me is that you never know what deployments will be like at a new command (or ever really, since it does kind of depend on world events).
I don’t know what my life will be like in the new year at all; I don’t have a picture of our future to play in my head, or any way to plan. It’s kind of freeing, but also terrifying.
Although many of my feelings and fears are just like the ones I had four years ago, there’s one huge difference: I’m a mother now.
For me, that makes everything a lot worse. My baby deserves the best life possible, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize that for him. I don’t want to become overwhelmed or depressed and not be able to take care of him like he deserves. I’m not going to have a lot of support out there in the beginning, and Brandon could be sailing away at any time. It’ll be just me and my little boy.
Right now I’m at the panick-y point of calling it all off – Not going to Italy with Brandon. I figure that I could keep my son in our home state and stay with family, because at least I wouldn’t be completely alone. Or I could cancel our property management deal and go back to live in our home in comfortable and familiar San Diego.
This time I’m not trying to squash Brandon’s dreams, but my own. God knows how I’ve longed to go to Europe and really experience this world. Receiving orders to Italy was my dream come true.
And there has to be a reason, doesn’t there? God doesn’t make mistakes.
What I’m grappling with right now is wondering what God really wants for me. Does He want me to make a big change myself, proactively protecting myself and my family from any hardships to come in Italy? Or to go in faith to my Promised Land of sorts and reach out to grab this opportunity?
Brandon went to bootcamp. I didn’t stop him. Due to an injury, he was there twice as long. But I still made it. Looking back on those days he was gone, I realize that I really grew as a person during them. And I know I’m certainly a stronger person because of it.
I don’t know what God wants. What I do know is that I can’t make decisions out of fear.
So I’ll pray, and I’ll trust. And whatever happens, I’ll know we’ll get through it.
January 20th, 2016
I am writing this little follow-up as I sit in my hotel room in Italy. After writing the above, I felt a lot better and stronger in my decision to go to Italy. I am homesick, but I feel I made the right decision!