I'm Moving On From A Painful Past
I have spent this summer introducing you to myself. Guest posting will return on September 2nd, but after today Devotional Diva is going on a short hiatus. I still have a lot of ideas for post topics, but last week I asked my husband what he thought I should write for my final post.
Without asking for any of my ideas, he just replied, “You should write more about your life now.”
He’s completely right. I’ve written quite a lot about my past this summer. It makes sense, because all of us draw on our past for hints on how to handle our futures.
I’ve written about my physical assault at work, my suicidal thoughts, and why I chose to marry young, among other things.
I have experienced a lot of pain in my life in relation to my age. And I know I’m not the only one.
For a long time, that pain has eaten me up.
But I want to say now: God has healed me!
I knew my unique personality when I was younger. But when I went through all that pain, I got depressed. The depression changed me and messed with my confidence.
When I was a kid, I was different than a lot of my peers simply because I wasn’t afraid to be different. I didn’t want to blend in. I didn’t care about what was “cool.” I dressed the way I wanted to dress — and I must say I was a stylish 8-year-old with my collection of vintage coats.
Some other kids didn’t appreciate that about me, but most of the time I didn’t really care.
In junior high and high school I became even more extroverted. I got really involved with school activities and I feel like I had quite a few friends. I remember having so much fun and being so happy those years.
But most importantly, I knew who I was and I wasn’t afraid to show it.
After delving into “depression land,” I questioned who I was. I think I got a lot more shy – not that shyness is bad; I am just naturally more extroverted.
I have finally healed from the pain – however, not without scars. I will always carry those scars.
But I am happy and content with my life. And nearly every day I can see the little bits of myself that got hidden coming out again.
I have so much more personality! While I hope this does not come off as conceited, I realized that I am actually a funny person. I like cracking jokes, making people laugh and just interacting with others — I feel like I’m really living again.
When I first started feeling better, I had to stay away from certain things that would “trigger” sadness – like some depressing movies or things that would remind me of my past. Lately, I’ve noticed my ability to enjoy them again.
That’s one of the biggest indicators to me that I am moving on from my painful past. I mean, truly moving on.
It’s also been nearly one year since I stopped taking daily psychiatric medication. Even though those medications can help with depression and anxiety, I just feel so much clearer without them – more like myself.
I laugh so much; my husband and I are ridiculously silly together. I have dreams again and I’m motivated to make them come true. I am embracing the things that make me who I am (like how buying a pet stroller for my cats made my day, or my unreasonable love of Diet Pepsi). I’m just having more fun being me.