On Depression: Okay, God Help Me!

longing[Guest Post by Sharon Paavola] – Okay, God help me!

You’re beckoning me to hand you my mental and emotional health. You want me to jump off the cliff from what I’ve known, the safety of the last 30 years of security in waking up every morning, swallowing my pills, and not thinking anything more about my stability.

Now the rug has been pulled out. 

The medications are totally changed and there is no going back.

I fell apart and now we have to glue together the pieces but will they fit again?

Or maybe they will fall into place better than before?

I’m realizing that you want me to acknowledge You as the controller of my mental and emotional states. Not a medicine, doctor, husband, no one else, nothing else.

I’ve been on Serzone for 18 years. I know how it felt and I counted on it. The Wellbutrin did its thing now they are gone. This new one-Celexa makes my tongue feel strange and tingly. I’m thirsty all of the time. My lips are constantly dry. I’m shaky inside, most of the time.

Will I need to stay home and sit in the backyard for the rest of my life?

I’m antsy but don’t know what to do with myself. I start a project and then get confused. I’m unusually hot but then cool and clammy. Edgy. Panicky, I’m hungry and want to eat all the time.

I’ve gained weight Oh, horrors!

You know how I feel about that but for some reason I don’t even care.

How can I trust You?

How long will this last?

People can tell I’m not okay I’m fragile. Needy

That’s the word.

You can see it in their eyes. 

My hands feel dirty, swollen, and look red. I wash them often. I think I’m getting it. You want this, every bit of it, my thoughts concerns my fear, my “what ifs?”, the details, the tomorrows, the next months. You want it. This is where the rubber meets the road. You desire me to give you me. My mind, my powerful mind.

Okay, I can consider this.

Step by step living I’m scared it’s jumping out of an airplane, okay.

Okay, God help me!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

sharon paavolaSharon Paavola speaks, writes, and encourages women to seek God for restoration, love, and forgiveness. Her vulnerable approach touches hurting and broken lives out of her life experiences and years of Bible Study teaching. Sharon has lived with depression and anxiety for over thirty years and has learned to find her constant joy in the Lord. She lives in the San Diego, California area with her husband and her rescue pup. She has 3 grown children.

[Photo: ditao, Flickr]