Can you talk about sex?

(c) Desiree Shuey Photography, Design by Renee Fisher

If you’re a Christian, can you talk about sex while you’re dating or thinking about getting engaged?

No, seriously I want to know.

I wrote in Not Another Dating Book, “We dare to dream of the day when that guy or girl is going to walk into the room and change our lives forever. But what happens when he or she does? What if those feelings of unworthiness…don’t go away?”

This time last year, Marc and I were getting pretty serious. I knew the long exciting road that was ahead of me. We would probably get engaged and soon. There would be ring shopping dates. Talks of buying a house. We’d sit and talk about our future life together.

But…We hadn’t had the sex talk yet.

What about birth control? For how long? How many children? When?

I always thought of marriage as the culmination of my dream to have sex with one man for the rest of my life. Call me crazy, but I waited for this. I longed for it. I kept myself pure.

Here was this amazing guy kissing me.

Tiny butterflies escaped through my pours every time I was around him. And when I wasn’t, I was thinking of him. Whenever he touched me. Kissed me. Held me.

I knew I couldn’t wait much longer.

My biggest fear suddenly wasn’t about finding a guy to love me anymore. I had the guy, now what?

I cannot tell you how grateful I was to have spent all those years as a saangle (really, really single) girl working on my insecurities-because if there was a time when I dealt with them the most–it was before we got engaged.

Because of my history of health problems, I started my search to finding the right birth control for me before we got engaged. I knew it would take a while, and unfortunately that process was a nightmare. Some pills made me feel like I was going insane. Others made my blood sugar spike. I felt drugged. Tired. Not even interested in sex (which is only good when you’re not married).

I was scared I would even be able to take it at all.
I was afraid we’d have children right away.

Sex is something most Christians do not discuss–and that is why I am talking about it as freely as I can.

I know I had many questions.
I needed someone I could trust.

Thankfully, God brought a new friend into my life who had just gotten married about a year before me. She was so patient and walked me through the entire process. She never made me feel embarrassed or ashamed for badgering her with many questions. Even on my honeymoon she was gracious and walked me through some of my questions and fears.

It’s amazing how the enemy made me feel so worthless that I had saved sex for marriage!

No matter how scared or excited I felt about our future–I knew I needed to trust God with all aspects of our relationship–including sex. When I say I made it to my wedding night it wasn’t because I didn’t care or love my future husband–it was because of a commitment I made a long time ago to honor God with my body and marriage.

I’d love to say that everything was perfect the first night of our honeymoon. Wrong. Somebody gave us both the flu, and I had a sinus infection to top it all off. (Planning a wedding is stressful). Was it best sex ever on the first try? Not even close.

Whoever said sex was easy and “Hollywood” lied to me.

Eventually the sex got better. Much, much better.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

I know my story is just one way of looking at sex.

Every story is different. Maybe your feelings of unworthiness go much deeper than just “sex.” No matter what your beliefs and feelings about sex are–it’s important to address them with your significant other before getting engaged. Don’t assume. Ask questions! Seek the council of someone you trust if you’re not sure how to have the sex talk. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.

If you have any questions about sex please contact me, renee [at] devotionaldiva [dot] com. If I can’t answer your question, I can at least put you in touch with someone or resources that can help!

SUGGESTED PRE ENGAGEMENT QUETSIONS:

*Do you find it hard to say what you really feel about sex?
*Do you know your expectations for sex in marriage?
*Do you know your significant other’s expectations when it comes to sex in marriage?
*What forms (if any) of birth control will be used? For how long? By whom?
*Do you have someone you trust that you can ask questions before/after marriage?
*What things will most taint your sex life? Do you struggle with pornography? Have you? Does/Has your partner?
*What things do you believe sex is intended to teach us in marriage?
*What distracts you from cleaving to your mate?
*Is “kinky” (inappropriate or impure) sex in marriage permissible? Why or why not?

FOR MORE PRE ENGAGEMENT QUESTIONS

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19 comments on “Can you talk about sex?”

  1. Anne Lenoir says:

    There’s a similar discussion going on over at The Good Women Project. Honestly, I’m not sure I ever want to have sex. I think much like the first kiss, it is beyond awkward to not know what I’m doing by this age. And, I don’t want to compete with all of the other girls. It’s hard to find a 30 y/o male virgin, and I can’t do those special things that all the other girls did. I’m not sure why this topic is so stressful, especially since it doesn’t seem like it will ever be relevant to me…but somehow I still feel by virtue of the fact that I’m shy of 30, I should be engaging in this discussion!

    1. devotionaldiva says:

      When you said “you don’t want to compete with all of the other girls” it made my heart sad. Why would you want to compete for your future husband especially in the area of sex? Isn’t it amazing how the enemy can twist our thoughts and make a person feel worthless just because they’ve waited for their future spouse? Isn’t that the whole point of getting married? Learning to express your love for one another–and that it will take time and it will be awkward, but not forever and praise God for that!

      1. Anne Lenoir says:

        I know it sounds irrational. I just think back to hearing guys compare the girls they’d been with. It was disgusting. Maybe I should give men more credit. The guys I’ve met have just seemed so over sexualized, I just felt like if things ever progressed, I would be totally inadequate. But you’re right, that is the point of getting married. I imagine if I do marry, it will be to a man with a heart for Christ. I don’t think that was necessarily true of the men with whom I was conversing. They valued sex mostly in relationships. 

        1. m@ says:

          Interestingly enough, Anne — the comparison points go both ways.  I’m six months out from a serious relationship in which the girl compared me, in the negative-shaming-judgmental way, to her previous boyfriends and used it as the explanation for the breakup.  Ultimately, it was my lack of sexual experience that bothered her, and it may take me years to recover from the unbelievable emasculation that occurred.

          All that said: I encourage you to be honest with your fears in this arena with your partner  A man that is willing to give you the space to be honest about your experiences in sexuality will be patient as you navigate the waters together in a way that honors God.

          1. Anne Lenoir says:

            Not to condemn your former girlfriend, but that was rude. Whatever happened to patience?

            Thanks for the encouragement. When/if that time comes, I hope you’re right!

          2. alana says:

            I don’t know you but that girl was immature and just think God just may have your perfect match out there for you he could of just wanted you out of that relationship to make way for his plans

    2. alana says:

      well first of even though the guy is not a virgin doesn’t mean he knows what he’s doing he might be nervous like you and not all women are the same he could of had sex with 10 women and still don’t know how to please you when the time comes you guys will just have to learn together and he shouldn’t compare you to other people anyways

  2. Shannon says:

    Some friends and I had recently discussed the topic of different types of sex within a marriage relationship and what the Bible has to say (or does not have to say) about these other kinds of sex (oral, anal, etc.). While we did not reach a conclusion about what was OK and what was not (except we agreed it’s personal and something a married couple must decide on together), it seems to me that calling labeling “kinky sex” as “inappropriate or impure” is counter productive to asking readers if it’s permissible in marriage. If a reader and his/her spouse decide that it IS permissible, then that label  of “inappropriate or impure” may make them feel badly about that decision. And if a reader and spouse are unsure, might the labels “inappropriate and impure” sway their decision? Either way, it seems to me that if it is something worth discussing, then perhaps more neutral names would be helpful.

    1. devotionaldiva says:

      Shannon, I was merely referring to something like watching pornography with your spouse–something which I am pretty sure the Bible is pretty clear about. You’re right–what might be appropriate to one couple and their relationship isn’t the same for other couples. I was merely trying to get the discussion started. Thanks for catching that though. Maybe I could use something more neutral.

    2. Anonymous says:

      I think the comment was more so supposed to start a discussion on what things in sex are for pleasure alone and which actually promote communion. This is an especially important conversation for men to have and be honest about.

    3. alana says:

      I totally agree with you my other comment was about that

  3. Katie says:

    The sex conversations are going to be awkward when I get engaged. I’m sort of dreading them. However, this post makes me grateful for my beautiful Mom and Sisters and close friends who I know will be supportive and helpful. Thank you for writing with so much honesty, Renee! I am a huge fan of this blog (:

    1. devotionaldiva says:

       Hopefully it won’t be awkward for you!

  4. Julie says:

    Renee,

    Thank you for this post. This answered a lot of questions for me and helped me put  things into perspective. 

    As a 29 year old virgin I realize I have a lot to learn about sex. I think the problem for me is for most of my life the advice I have been given about sex has been from non-believers or people who treat sex as a casual thing & like it’s not a big ‘deal’. So my feelings about sex have been pretty skewed.

    Posts like these and posts from The Good Women Project address some of my fears and allow to me to see sex from the perspective of women who place God at the center or have God in their life. It makes me look forward to my future experience with sex in a better light that. One that is illuminated by raw transparency and authenticity. 

    Thank you for being one ray of that light 🙂

  5. MenWhoStare says:

    This blew my mind. Thank you for writing.

  6. alana says:

    Well i am 20 yrs and i grew up in a house that just didnt talk about sex but growing up i learned about sex from books my friends unsaved and saved christian articles blogs etc and my own imagination which is a powerful tool i also learned from scientist(i like to know what happens internally when ppl are havin sex also) i learned from marriage counsellors a whole list of ppl and sometimes i think i know too much for my age bt nevertheless i know not sayin i know everything and what i have to learn is to be vulnerable when the time comes

  7. alana says:

    hi just wanted to say kinky sex if what i think your talking about maybe i’m wrong is not impure

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