[Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Kathryn Boyd-Trull. I don’t have an editor’s note for this devotional…it really speaks for itself. However, I’d like to thank Kathryn for sharing her powerful story with us today.]
Bad news filled my ears:
“…tumor in your ovary”
“ Cancer markers elevated in your blood stream…”
“ another tumor even larger on your colon…”
“ You will need surgery.”
“ We may need to take everything out.”
“ You will forever be marked and changed no matter what.”
“ This started with you wanting a child, that won’t happen.”
“ Getting the bad out of your body is the only thing that matters.”
But…all the rest matters to me too, God. Remember me the one who loves you. The one you love.
There is a still small voice that answers, “you will have to have it taken out but it will not kill you.” My thoughts circle and I ask myself, “Was that God or my own wishful thinking?” Time passes with doubt, pain, and more bad news. I remember how this all started because I could see another child in our home. I ask the doctors, “Can we freeze some of my eggs before we take everything out?” The answer is yes, as long as we move quickly. I must try. I can hear the little one running through my house.
More bad news, “ We are sorry, none of the eggs survived.”
Surgery date arrives. Consents are signed.
“We have your permission to remove everything. You may die. You may end up with a colostomy bag.”
Me: “Okay, where do I sign.” I can’t see the words through my tears.
God, do you see this? Remember me, I am the one who loves you.
Surgery…darkness…pain…me screaming…darkness…sleep. Repeat.
Why is nobody talking to me? I can feel tears running down my cheek but I can’t use my arms to wipe them away. The pain is too much. They must have had to remove everything.
God, give me courage.
I hear in the background, “She’s crying. Give her more medicine.”
Someone is holding my hand. This makes the darkness feel less powerful. I open my eyes. My husband and girls are with me. My husband says, “Did you hear the news?”
“No, I have heard nothing.”
“No cancer. They took out your ovary, part of your colon, the other mass, and no cancer.”
I go home to heal from the surgery. The days are filled with wound care, pain, and bleeding, but my heart is filled with gratitude. I know I won’t have any more children from my body but I have life today.
God, why all this? I don’t understand?
He answers me as He often does with a bible verse that He repeats during my healing days.
John 11 “Jesus your beloved is sick…Yes, I won’t let it kill her. I will use even this to bring Glory to God.” Emphasis added.
God whispers to my heart, “You see I never left you. I carried you.”
Kathryn Boyd-Trull lives with her husband and two children in Commerce City, Colorado where she is a medical doctor and works at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center. Katy founded a non-profit, YHC Clinic, providing free medical care to homeless or those at risk of becoming homeless.